Love Unrequited

Love. So much of what I think about, contemplate, wonder of, is about love. I generally desire to love more and to love better. But right now, I wish I could love less. Or even not at all.

I’ve always looked askance at the, to my mind, too strict delineation made between the kinds of love – agape, eros, phile. In one sense, for me, love is love. Different in degree and expression, but all rooted in a desire for the good and wellbeing of another. And that’s why it disturbs me when love gives pain and I find myself wanting it gone.

I’ve dated on and off, but nothing serious, until the end of last September. I was asked out by someone I had recently met. I liked him a great deal from the start. We talked all the time and seemed to share many values. I felt good. From the beginning, he seemed to feel the same. He talked quite a bit about serious, long-term issues. At those times I seemed to be reluctant, we talked about this rational part of me that constantly warns me to hold back, to be careful. But his sincerity wore away at that and eventually I just let myself enjoy what was happening. And I fell in love.

For him, however, it didn’t last. I’m not sure if he felt love as I did or just infatuation, but it faded. Or something happened. To be honest, I’m not really sure what. I haven’t even really asked, preferring to allow him to work his way through his confusion and share things with me. And then I reached a point where I couldn’t ask. It just became too painful and hurtful for me. I haven’t even told my closest friends the whole story because I don’t want to risk becoming angry and more hurt and end up replacing what I feel for him with anger.

Unrequited love is a bitch. In the worst of ways. Rationally I can say there is no reason I should be in love with this man, because it’s one way. But I can’t undo what I allowed myself to feel. I want him to be in love with me, but that’s not there. I don’t want to hate him or be angry with him and if I try too hard to end being in love, that’s what I’m afraid will happen.

To love and to be loved. That really is what we live for. And I am in such a struggle with both.

- David