Wings like eagles

Most Wednesdays I try to take a minute and read the Scripture readings assigned for the coming Sunday. Just a chance to get them in my mind.

One of the nice things about Scripture is that no matter where you are in life, if you read a large enough chunk, you’re likely to find something that speaks to you, where you are.

“those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” From Isaiah. I could use some wings now. Something to let me soar, to fly, to think about nothing but sky and air and light, rather than the muck I’m stuck in. I don’t really know how to wait for the Lord, but I’ll be doing it. All I can do is wait. Wait for things to feel less raw.

From the Psalm come the words, “He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds.” This really is more where I am. And as much as I would like to lay blame, I can’t. I’m not saying there isn’t blame, but I can’t lay it. Doing it just breaks and wounds more and I think I hurt enough right now for everyone. I know my wounds will be healed and I hope my heart is restored, but for all I know it, I can’t feel it or believe it right now. I suppose that it is good that I feel, that I’m not just numb. Surely you have to feel in order to move forward.

Part of me thinks I deserve this pain. I certainly caused enough by living a lie. One reaps what one sows. Karma. But I think those concepts work when you can connect the dots. When the path from what you sow to what you reap is clear. Here, the only connection would have to be cosmic, some sort of divine justice or retribution, and I don’t buy that. God wants me to love and to be loved. To be whole and perfect and to know that and to believe that. That kind of God doesn’t visit this pain on the children of the divine.

I was feeling especially hurt last night. And then I lashed out a bit in anger and meanness. Maybe it was appropriate and maybe it wasn’t, but I know I don’t want to be that way. I desperately want to walk in that way of love which intends and seeks good for the other. I need to do that, not for him, not for God, but for me. To be true to myself.

I didn’t earn this pain and I don’t deserve it. But he didn’t intend for me to be hurt, either. Here is where I am, and there he is. They aren’t the same place anymore and I walk alone now. I have walked alone before and doubtless shall again. Maybe in the lonely emptiness and silence I will hear a still small voice of love.

- David