Friday, March 21, 2008

Good Friday

It seems that every year I hear a sermon that involves a play on the word Good associated with this darkest day of the Christian year. But this year, for me, this has been a good day.

Today, on what was to be my last day in the office, I was asked to take a job in another group. It's the kind of opportunity I've wanted for quite some time and it appeared suddenly, right as things were at their end. Appropriate for a day of darkness that looks forward to the light.

I've come to accept that my life is so filled with grace, unexpected and undeserved. There have been times on this difficult journey into honesty and integrity that I've felt guilty because I have suffered so little. My family, my friends, my ex-wife, all have been gracious and loving and supportive in ways I never imagined.

When life is at its darkest, I've learned to wait for the light. It doesn't always come from the direction I'm looking, nor does it always illuminate what I expect. But where I was blind, now I see.

-David

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Love One Another

Maundy Thursday. So many images, memories, meanings for me. This is one of the high points of the whole Easter drama for me. Washing feet. An act of such humility and so ordinary, so earthy. Not like baptism, which is so symbolic and barely resembles a bath. Not like the Eucharist, with its actions and ritual, its solemnity and sense of the sacred.

No, this is so ordinary. Water. Benches. Towels. Basins. Feet. And yet, I am moved to tears each and every year. Seeing my brothers and sisters caring for one another in this way. Serving one another. Demonstrating our love for one another.

This day is also the memorial of my mother's death. I don't remember the actual date, because that event is forever entwined with this one. I spent much of my day at the hospital with her, leaving only to attend church that evening. Leaving her resting but stable. In the middle of the service my pager went off and I left immediately for the hospital, fortunately arriving shortly before she died. I count myself so blessed to have held her as she breathed her last breath, her arm glistening with my tears. I later learned that my priest, seeing me leave quickly, knew what had happened and that my mother was memorialized at that celebration of the Eucharist. Almost immediately at her death, her name and memory were lifted to heaven by my faithful brothers and sisters.

More than Christmas, more than Easter, this particular day moves at the center of my life of faith. In simple acts of kindness and grace, we show to one another love. We answer our calling to be human. I find myself always on this day reminded that life is finite and filled with loss and grief, but that we are called to reach beyond the finite and beyond the hurt and to love one another. To touch and wash and heal and care. We are one family, bound together in sadness and joy.

I give you a new commandment: Love one another.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

What do I do with the rest of my life?

I almost hesitate to write this, because it seems like it will never be final, but it looks like my last day of employment will be this Friday. It's been over a year in coming. Not literally, but the stress and worry has been that long.

Over a year ago, my employer merged with a larger company. One of the largest companies in the US. In the world. And I became a much smaller fish in a much bigger pond. In January my job was declared redundant and I became a surplus employee. Surplus. Are people ever rightfully considered surplus? I'm just an unnecessary extra now.

But then there was a concerted effort to find a way to keep me. And we thought it had worked out, until yesterday. And so Friday moved from my possible last day to my definite last day. Except now I'm hearing that maybe something will still happen by then. It's really more up and down than any one man should have to take!

In any event, the whole process has set me on a path of wondering what I'm going to do next. It's as though someone hit the reset button on my entire life about two years ago and it's finally finishing booting back up. Everything is new.

One of the thoughts that pervades my contemplation is that I want to do something I find meaningful. Something with purpose. Making some sort of positive difference. Unfortunately, the meaningless job I've had all these years has paid really well. And nothing I really want to do pays anything close to what I've been making. I think I can handle that. I'm not really materially needy. But I do have my daughters to worry about. There, though, I have an incredible ex-wife, who I think will always be one of my best friends and supporters. She's been concerned that I pay too much child support for a while (is it really possible for me to contribute too much to my children - I've never thought so). So she has really been encouraging and insistent that everything will work out. And truly I believe this.

Somehow, things always manage to work. Not in the way I might envision, but still, I'm left on my feet and breathing and surrounded by love. But still, what in the world am I going to do with the rest of my life??

-David

Sunday, March 02, 2008

One Thing I Do Know

I started blogging some time ago, when I began to seriously journal, as part of coming out. But the blog got messy, and somewhat pointless. So I’m starting again. Partly as a personal commitment to journal more regularly, but to do so in a different way. Less random and shallow in terms of subject. I cringe when I read portions of my journal. It’s important to just be open and honest, but I need something to challenge me to think more deeply as well, so this will be that something.



One Thing I Do Know

This morning I sat in the congregation. That’s unusual. I’m normally in the choir, but I have a cold and can’t really sing so I decided to worship from a different perspective. I find it’s much easier to actually listen to the word and music, to experience the liturgy, when I’m not looking at all those faces.

The lectionary readings this morning were long. The story of Samuel anointing the boy David and the Gospel story of Jesus healing the blind man with mud made with his spit. In between these, the assigned Epistle was from Ephesians, living as children of light. Now I really like this passage, and it is was the subject of the sermon. But what stuck with me, what really pierced me, was the ending of the Gospel. This nameless man whom Jesus healed was questioned by the Pharisees over and over as to who was this healer. In the end, the man says simply that he doesn’t really know but this: “One thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see.”

One thing I do know. For some reason, this jumped from the Deacon’s mouth as she read it and made a line straight for me. I so often feel like this poor man being bombarded with questions – What do you know? What do you think? How? Why? Are you sure? What if?

One thing I do know. What do I know? If it comes right down to it, to the very bottom, the last strand on the rope that holds me, what is it? What one thing do I know? The “right” answer, being the Christian that I am, would be that I know Jesus loves me. Sounds trite, but it means a great deal. But is that it? Is that the one thing I do know?

I thought about the man in the story and the nature of his answer. He didn’t know if Jesus loved him. He didn’t know if Jesus was a prophet or a sinner. He thought Jesus was a prophet, but when it came down to it, he had to admit that he didn’t know. I think that I am loved by God. Everything in my life story points to that. But can I say it is the one thing? Well, no, I can’t. I can believe it. I can hope it. I can think it. But, honestly, I cannot know it.

The only thing I can know, really know for sure, comes from within me. I can know how I feel about someone. They may be confusing feelings, but if I try, I can put names to the morass of emotions that make up most of my relationships. I can know what I like, what I dislike. I know what motivates me and discourages me. I know a lot about me. But what is the one thing I do know. Again, going way down to the bottom. What do I find there. It cannot come from or depend on something outside of me, like saying I am good because I am the image of God and God’s creation is good. And, boy, do I like telling myself that! But no, this has to come from me. From the reality which I totally and fully experience inside myself.

The one thing that I do know is that I have love. And because I have love, I want love. It’s two sides of the same thing, I think. But the one thing I do know is love, love deep within me.

And what really matters to me is what I do with this one thing I do know. How do I give that love to others. That matters. Unless I share it, unless I am open, honest, and sincere, I am not true to what lies at my core. I am not me.

The last couple of years have been about being me. Well, more about really learning how to be me, fully and sincerely. I could say it’s about no longer living a lie, but I don’t feel that. It’s more about living all of the truth.

I plan to spend the remaining days and weeks of Lent really reflecting on how I live in love. How I am honest with myself and others. And challenging myself to be more honest, more genuine, more loving.

-David