I feel like I am walking this narrow precipice with my past on one side, somewhat dark and better left behind because of all the secrecy there, and my future on the other, bright and hopeful, but scary. Not scary in a terrifying way, but in the way the unknown fills you with anticipation, excitement, worry, concern. So out of control.
My problem is that I am standing on this cusp, but I don't know how to step forward. I know that I want to. I just cannot quite figure out how to do it.
Generally, I am a shy person. Spending an entire life trying to hide who you are seems to create all sorts of social difficulties even after you embrace all of yourself and live openly. I've always held back when meeting people, lest they see enough of me to see through me. To be honest, it wasn't that difficult to see through me, but I still tried to hide it. I am still adjusting to being more comfortable with friendly, affectionate physical contact with men. During my years in the closet, physical touch was definitely out of bounds. Too risky on so many levels.
I am still learning my way around, as it were, and sometimes I'm not quite sure where to go. The path is a bit dim some days and on others there are so many turns and directions I cannot possibly decide where I am going.
Honestly, though, the only thing that holds me back is myself. In some ways, life in the closet
was much easier because I didn't have to take so much responsibility for where I was and who I am. Now my life is mine to shape and sometimes I'm so afraid of screwing it up.
-David
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- David
- Just a guy. A dad. A Christian. A worker, breather, sleeper. And if that's not enough, gay.
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3 comments:
With so many years practicing one kind of life, it certainly takes time to practice something so new.
And, taking from the old and the new is a challenge for me. "Fear not little flock. It is the Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom."
Over and over again, I have to listen to those words, "Fear Not."
I've gone on that journey myself and it is a scary one. However, once you get on the other side, it's SO much better. When you are able to live your life openly and honestly you begin to realize how much energy it took pretending to be someone else. The best thing I ever did for myself was come out of the closet. Hang in there and trust that God is strong enough to carry you through the process of being your authentic self.
To add a scripture "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, [Isaiah 43:1-3]
Sounds like you're in that thing some brilliant person called "liminal space" ... on the threshold of ambiguity and ambivalence. I can relate... I've been there for going on 7 months now, and it's beginning to feel too comfortable.
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