Circles and Intersections

I am still reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and have to say that there are some great bits of truth in her story. Of course, since our stories always reflect our own truths, that’s to be expected. It’s odd how things intersect in life. Or perhaps we just notice those intersections that are important to us at the moment, missing all of the others. In any event, last night I read her struggle with desiring sex, but trying to keep clear her focus on her goal and seeing sex as a distraction to that. Of course, I don’t have some great goal from which sex would be a distraction, I’m just struggling with the desire. To be more precise, I’m struggling with the appropriate circumstances for fulfilling the desire.

I feel a bit like I’m in a cycle. Or at least I keep reliving certain experiences. For some reason, my own coming out has made me a magnet for a couple of other men, married, to share their own struggles or to just admit fully that they are gay. I appreciate their need to talk with someone they perceive as safe. But it is a bit awkward.

Sunday night, at Barnes & Noble, I ran into an old friend. This someone I knew in elementary school, high school, and college, though not well because he is a couple of years younger than I. He saw me in the GLBT section, picking up a copy of "Mississippi Sissy" and that led to questions and a bit of catching up on my story. It’s been perhaps 7 years since we last talked to each other. We talked about his wife, my daughters and their mom, work, life in general. We ended up in the parking lot, at his car, still talking. At some point, he admitted he had fooled around with guys in high school, but not in college, but had again since college. And then, somehow, we wound up kissing. Not too long, but more than just a casual, friendly kiss. Definitely more. And I gave him my number because he asked for it.

And then I got in my car thinking, what am I doing? I realized that I wouldn’t have done this with a stranger. But there is this level of trust with this guy, based on some history. Still, he is married. He shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t be doing this. But it felt like being in college again, outside the normal rules of life. Only that’s not where I am. This guy is someone I would date in a heartbeat, but I can’t. Because like so many guys I end up talking to, he’s not available!

In a way, this is only a part my feeling like I’m not fully where I need to be. I’m still holding back. Part of that is my daughters. We’ve not yet explained why we divorced yet. And they don’t ask, because in so many ways their lives have gone on with only the absolutely necessary changes involved in my moving out. Otherwise they see us getting along so well and doing things as a family and so there is no real stress or need to understand. Things remain good. I actually don’t have long to keep waiting because they will come to our Men’s Chorus Spring Concert and it will be much more evident than at our inaugural concert that this is the gay men’s chorus. I don’t dread telling them, and think it will be good. I just need to do it. And then, I think, I will begin moving forward more intentionally.

I still have to figure out how to manage my relationship with this old friend, who is married, but kisses so very well!
-David