One Thing I Do Know

I started blogging some time ago, when I began to seriously journal, as part of coming out. But the blog got messy, and somewhat pointless. So I’m starting again. Partly as a personal commitment to journal more regularly, but to do so in a different way. Less random and shallow in terms of subject. I cringe when I read portions of my journal. It’s important to just be open and honest, but I need something to challenge me to think more deeply as well, so this will be that something.



One Thing I Do Know

This morning I sat in the congregation. That’s unusual. I’m normally in the choir, but I have a cold and can’t really sing so I decided to worship from a different perspective. I find it’s much easier to actually listen to the word and music, to experience the liturgy, when I’m not looking at all those faces.

The lectionary readings this morning were long. The story of Samuel anointing the boy David and the Gospel story of Jesus healing the blind man with mud made with his spit. In between these, the assigned Epistle was from Ephesians, living as children of light. Now I really like this passage, and it is was the subject of the sermon. But what stuck with me, what really pierced me, was the ending of the Gospel. This nameless man whom Jesus healed was questioned by the Pharisees over and over as to who was this healer. In the end, the man says simply that he doesn’t really know but this: “One thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see.”

One thing I do know. For some reason, this jumped from the Deacon’s mouth as she read it and made a line straight for me. I so often feel like this poor man being bombarded with questions – What do you know? What do you think? How? Why? Are you sure? What if?

One thing I do know. What do I know? If it comes right down to it, to the very bottom, the last strand on the rope that holds me, what is it? What one thing do I know? The “right” answer, being the Christian that I am, would be that I know Jesus loves me. Sounds trite, but it means a great deal. But is that it? Is that the one thing I do know?

I thought about the man in the story and the nature of his answer. He didn’t know if Jesus loved him. He didn’t know if Jesus was a prophet or a sinner. He thought Jesus was a prophet, but when it came down to it, he had to admit that he didn’t know. I think that I am loved by God. Everything in my life story points to that. But can I say it is the one thing? Well, no, I can’t. I can believe it. I can hope it. I can think it. But, honestly, I cannot know it.

The only thing I can know, really know for sure, comes from within me. I can know how I feel about someone. They may be confusing feelings, but if I try, I can put names to the morass of emotions that make up most of my relationships. I can know what I like, what I dislike. I know what motivates me and discourages me. I know a lot about me. But what is the one thing I do know. Again, going way down to the bottom. What do I find there. It cannot come from or depend on something outside of me, like saying I am good because I am the image of God and God’s creation is good. And, boy, do I like telling myself that! But no, this has to come from me. From the reality which I totally and fully experience inside myself.

The one thing that I do know is that I have love. And because I have love, I want love. It’s two sides of the same thing, I think. But the one thing I do know is love, love deep within me.

And what really matters to me is what I do with this one thing I do know. How do I give that love to others. That matters. Unless I share it, unless I am open, honest, and sincere, I am not true to what lies at my core. I am not me.

The last couple of years have been about being me. Well, more about really learning how to be me, fully and sincerely. I could say it’s about no longer living a lie, but I don’t feel that. It’s more about living all of the truth.

I plan to spend the remaining days and weeks of Lent really reflecting on how I live in love. How I am honest with myself and others. And challenging myself to be more honest, more genuine, more loving.

-David