Set Free

It's been a week since last I posted, though I've started and stopped a couple of times. It's been a very busy week.

First, to get the easy stuff out of the way, the Men's Chorus of the Magic City Choral Society presents our Spring concert tonight and there's been a lot of rehearsal! But it is so much fun and so rewarding.

The big deal, though, is that Saturday afternoon, my older daughter and her mom came over, and I came out to her. She's 11, old enough to understand being gay without understanding many of the intimate details. Like so much of my coming out experience, it was far, far better than it could have been. In fact, except for about 45 seconds of teary eyes, it was really good.

We spent a lot of time talking about attraction, starting with interracial couples because we had earlier talked with her about that in light of Mildred Loving's recent death. She understood that we don't choose those to whom we are attracted and that sometimes Church and society don't approve, but that doesn't make it wrong. We worked around to the plight of gays and lesbians which she completely understood. We've worked hard to raise tolerant, open-minded, and accepting children. Then she asked me if I am in love with a man. I answered, no, I'm not, but if I were to fall in love, it would be with a man. She made sure I was serious (I might be known for occasionally joking around!). That triggered the brief watery eyes moment, because some kids at school said gay people were scary.

We spent the next half hour talking about all of the gay people she knows, whom she has never known were gay, singles and couples. She was amazed at how many of us there are! And she agreed that they were all nice, normal people. We shared how many people know this already, and that they are all ok with it...family, friends, church members. We let her know that it's up to her as to whether or not to tell her friends and she has a good understanding of those potential consequences, although she is a bit of a free spirit and not as controlled by peer pressure as many of her friends. She knows she has one friend, her best friend, that she can talk to about it because her mother has known for some time and they are also supportive.

I am both relieved that she is handling it so well, so far, and amazed at the sense of a burden lifted for me. I no longer have to worry that she will find out from someone else. I can more openly be myself. She is a little anxious that I'll go out and get married quickly. Part of her likes the idea of having two dads to spoil her, but another part doesn't want to add anyone to our existing family. But her mom talked about that, telling her that each of us deserves to find the most happiness in life that we can find and that happiness for an adult often includes a partner in life and it will be ok to add someone else to our family.

All in all, it was rather amazing. Hopefully it will continue to be so. My younger daughter is 7 and we expect that she will slowly simply come to realize that this is the way my life is shaped. I'm not so sure I'll ever have to deliberately come out to her.


I want to respond here to a comment posted by throughthestorm to the "Jesus was not a coward" post. Finding the best way, the most perfect way, to act in love is often difficult. And it may be different for each of us, even in the same circumstance.

We are called, first, to love God. For me, this is as much about loving myself as anything. For I know that I am in the image of God. That which makes me uniquely me is a reflection of the divine. In my acceptance of and deepening understanding of myself, I am loving God who shaped me as I am. I am gay for a purpose. Whether I believe that God deliberately made me gay for some purpose in God's own mind, or whether I believe that being born gay, God calls me to some purpose reflecting that part of my identity is unimportant. I am gay for a purpose. And it is good that I am gay. It means that I am capable of giving and receiving that deepest and most giving of all loves, capable of sharing the heart of who I am with another human being, wholly and completely. So whatever I choose to do, it must be rooted in this full and complete acceptance of myself and the certain knowledge that I am good.

To show love to my family, that was a difficult path to find. However, my ex-wife and I are utterly convinced that in order to be the human beings we are created to be, we must be authentic to who we are. And for me, part of that is being gay. While we can love each other deeply, it is the love of friendship. Deeper than any other we had, but not the full embrace of love that includes sexuality. And while marriage is more than sex by far, and in the past was more about property than love, our contemporary understanding of marriage includes a romantic love that includes sexuality. I think that's a good thing. It's what we want to model for our children. That healthy relationships include the whole of a person, not just parts.

For us, we were convinced that we could love and raise our daughters as a family while being authentic. And we've been able to do so, so far. It's been almost two years now. Our daughters know that we love them unceasingly and that we are happy with each other and that we are a family. For us, for me, that is love.

While I freely admit that all of us live in different places and walk different paths, I cannot believe that denying a part of ourselves that is so good is ever the best path. It may not be the worst path, but I don't think it's the best. One of the things my therapist asked me to do was to put myself in my children's place, as adults. I did so by imagining what I would have felt like if my mother had remained married to my father for the sake of her children, though she would have been unfulfilled and unhappy. I thought about my former mother-in-law, who remained in such a marriage, a worse marriage, actually. And I knew that as an adult, I would have been deeply saddened to know that my parent had given up so much of her life.

That's not true for everyone, but it's true for me. Divorce is painful and difficult, but for us it has been road to a deeper and more real happiness and joy and freedom.

-David

Sometimes it doesn't take much

Now and then I have an experience that reminds me of those bumper stickers about committing acts of random kindness. Often, my experience is not random - it is small and routine and ordinary, but it has a big impact. This past weekend, or actually the last 7 days or so, was filled with such ordinary but meaningful experiences. Perhaps it's my own neediness being fulfilled. In fact, I'm sure that's it. But sometimes the things friends do without thought really just fall into some small empty place that needed to be filled.

I had dinner with a friend, twice in last few days, and a couple of phone calls with another, that came at perfect moments and made me feel just generally happy. Nothing magical, just happy. Interactions that were fun and funny and ordinary and just made the day seem good. Coupled with email and text messages from others, it's just reminded me of how many wonderful people are in my life and how good life really is.

On the negative side, it has reminded me, as I told someone recently, I suck as a friend. I'm horrible about making contact because most of my friends are evidently used to contacting me regularly. So I get to sit back and enjoy the attention. It's really rather selfish of me and I need to do better. Especially after having such a good last week or so all because of others' efforts to maintain relationship with me.

On another, totally unrelated note, I came across some funny lyrics the other day, on a blog and I can't remember whose! Anyway, you can find them here - "Jesus loves me but He can't stand you". I think my favorite line, because it's one I've heard used by people, just not quite with these words - "Jesus loves me, this I know, And he told me where you're gonna go". Hate sin, love the sinner. Whatever.

I find myself more and more unable to understand both the civic and religious opposition to gays and lesbians, bisexual, and transgendered people. I'll leave the civic issues alone, because opposition at that level just seems idiotic in a free country. On the religious side, there was a time when I sincerely understood the position of conservatives, or traditionalists, or reasserters, or whatever you want to call them. But I'm having a harder and harder time with that. The more I experience God's love, and God's call to love and to be love, the more I struggle to understand such exclusion and narrowness of love. How infinite is God and how wondrous and amazing is the incredible diversity and richness of creation! That's my experience. And in that experience, there are no words of unwelcome, no uninvited, no unloved, no unaccepted.

And on yet another note, next Tuesday is the Spring Concert of the Men's Chorus of the Magic City Choral Society. There is one piece we are doing that I am exceptionally UNfond of, but otherwise, there's some good stuff. It's Tuesday, May 13, at 7:30pm at the Southside Baptist Church in Birmingham. A part of it will be a tribute to all of the organizations in the local gay community who have been so supportive of us. And the concert itself, free of charge, is our opportunity to return something both to our gay community and to the larger Birmingham community.

Because of the tribute portion of the concert, and because my daughters will be there, at some point over the next few days I will be sitting down with my oldest daughter and coming out to her. Not that she has any idea what coming out is. But she does know what it means to be gay and is just entering the period of life where so many negative stereotypes will begin to form. Although her mother and I are raising our children to be loving and accepting, we know that peer pressure is powerful. It is important that I be open and honest about myself with them and that they understand that words and ideas are powerful and aren't just about others, but touch all of us. I'm a bit nervous, but not concerned. When she understands that so many of my friends, adults whom she knows and loves, all know and love and accept me, I think that will help her to feel more comfortable.

-David